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Steven and I were getting along almost too well for the first couple hours of our date at an East Village bar.

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He bought the whole table mai tais and several bottles of sake.

I don't know exactly why mai tais were one of Benihana's "signature cocktails" since they obvs have no Japanese connection whatsoever, but maybe I shouldn't expect authenticity from a cheesy, generic chain restaurant.

He told me he would pick up food, drinks, even a picnic blanket.

I was pleasantly taken aback that he was going out of his way to do all that for someone he really didn't know at all -- it was 2014, not 1957. you might not always instantly know whether the spark is there right away, but you do know if the spark is, like, the absolute literal opposite of there right away.

I started to actually get excited for this date, and me getting excited for a date is as rare as a cat giving a flying f*ck when you command it to get off your countertop (or do anything else, for that matter). The second he opened his mouth, I knew it wasn't gonna work. As we perched on his blanket and did the ostensibly cute alfresco thing, he talked about himself constantly while heaving Brie into his face.

His gut overflowing out of his shirt only added to the hotness of this, and he didn't bother to pull it down even once.Steven followed me for two blocks, begging for forgiveness.Once he'd finally stopped following me, he yelled down the street, "ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT?!Said "cousin" showed up and was a skeezy-looking, skinny European dandy wearing a sheer pink button-up and pleated black dress pants. Drinks were flowing, and soon Steven's personality started to change.While it may have been kind of amusing -- even slightly flattering -- the first time he'd said it, he started referring to me as his fiancée to his cousin and to strangers around us.Lauren Urasek was featured in the 2014 New York Magazine piece, "Meet the 4 Most Desired People in New York (According to OKCupid)." This post is an excerpt from her new book, Popular: The Ups and Downs of Online Dating from the Most Popular Girl in New York City.

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